I have a straight face right now and my feelings upon editing the photo above… *sighs* it ended up looking very gloomy.
Just to give you guys an idea that house is called “Redwood” in Vista Real, Ciudad de Calamba, Calamba, Laguna. (A lot of comma there huh?) Well we bought that house, actually buying it literally tomorrow, as the cold cash will be handed to Filinvest tomorrow.
Great news because my siblings finished their college already, (brother will be graduating in June, sister will take nursing board exam in June also) AND here we will own a house.
But why am I feeling like this?
I was happy when I checked out the house. The surroundings were lovely, I can jog, I can swim, I can walk the dog, sort of stuff.
I feel so down…
In addition that our landlady decided to construct another apartment unit. And our front yard will be smaller, we have to give away the plants, we have to give for the construction that will start tomorrow. (Duh it’s holy Monday) Who are we to protest right? Everything is in fast forward.
I have lived 22 years of my life in the City. And I am afraid of the adjustments that will happen in everything.
Now my parents are rushing. I can hear they want to have the floors tiled, bookshelves on our room, kitchen cabinets, picket fences. I just cannot swallow all of it all at once.
They want my sister to volunteer in Ilocos for her nursing something whatever that is after she passed the board exam. They want my brother to go abroad, middle east I think, that is where IT graduates are in demand.
What about me? I haven’t heard of my name. Or maybe because they know I am awake.
I feel I am hostaged.
I feel my life suddenly stop. Frozen. I have the remote in my hands. But I cannot completely grasp it.
I am torned.
I am missing someone already even if we are still not yet apart.
I want to do so many things too.
I want to study. Take MA, wanted to feed my pride, since I am only an AB graduate. I do not have any title in my name aside from, “Ms. Sam” I am serious to pursue that. But since I have bills to pay and the initiative to help my dad. I am pretty sure this ambition will be rescheduled.
I want to find a new job. Higher compensation maybe. I want to take saving seriously. Why?
I know. My heart knows.
He is the only one I want right now. *sobs*
I can see that getting married now is my only escape. But the bride and the groom are not ready yet.
For goodness sake, how will you think about marriage where the only thing you can’t do right now is live under one roof?? Besides taking that responsibilty too fast can ruin things – good things we are sharing.
I am not ready for that sit down conversation, where we will talk about “settling down”. I find it too creepy. Too young for it. That is why I am avoiding it. Laughing at it.
And another idea came across.
His relatives pushing him to work abroad too!!! See that? See that? So if we get married now and he goes somewhere to work?? Uhmm I will definitely return and stay with my parents. So why think marriage “NOW” is the answer?
NOT A GOOD IDEA.
How about getting my own place to rent? Nah, too stingy to waste 3K – 5K of my salary. I will prefer travelling back and forth until my asthma hunts me down and kill me.
Okay, I am over reacting.
My composition shows how tangled my nerves are.
I just want to write my jumbled thoughts until my anxiety subside tonight. There’s a lot of scenarios going on inside my head.
I want somebody to talk to. Someone will say the words I wanted to hear.
I know I have the answers inside me, I am just afraid to utter it.
What am I going to do with my life?
Everything will be okay Sam, everything.
I can hear the voice inside me saying those.
I am hoping for the best.
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